Ugh I'm sorry for not being around lately. This week has been kinda crazy, but that's no excuse.

I'm leaving for the beach today. I won't be back until Monday so I won't be around for a couple more days. :(


I feel like a jerk.

I just realized that I lost a friend on here. :( I guess because I wasn't being such a good friend back and commenting like I should have been. I'm sorry. I know I've been doing the same to everyone else.

Lately I've been finding it hard to motivate myself. I just feel so down... more than the usual amount.

I think I might be finally getting a job!!! I hope, hope, hope it works out. There's a really good friend of my aunt, who I guess you could say is my friend too, who works at best buy and I was telling her today that I'm still looking for a job and she told me to go online and apply there. She said when she goes to work tomorrow she'll pull my application and try to hook me up. I'm SO stoked! And if it goes as planned I'll be doing inventory and junk and not have to work with actual customers. But who knows. I just want a fucking job. And it would be nice to get discounts on movies and shit. Hell yeah!

Today was a some what better day than the previous ones. It's been tough the past couple of weeks but I'm trying to pick myself up. I'm in a new place with so many opportunities. I can't let bullshit (being my ex) keep me down and hold me back from this new life. I'm not ready to cut this "bullshit" completely out of my life yet but I just gotta turn it down a bit so I can breathe. I thought I was finally able to, but I'm not. I need to learn to control my emotions better, because right now they have so much power over me and it's suffocating me.

I brought my art pad up here with me and I got some sketching pencils and a couple blank notebooks. What I need to do is just throw myself into all of those things. To just lose myself completely... and then find myself again. I told myself that this year was the year I'd make changes and become the person I want to be - the person I need to be. I've changed a few things, now I just need to fix the rest. Maybe then I'll find happiness.

I'm feeling a bit optimistic/hopeful right now. I know it won't last much longer.

He told me he's going to the strip club tonight. The last thing I want to think about is some naked chick crawling all over him. I was trying to be nice though and I just said that was cool. I told him while he was doing that, I'd be at a tattoo shop. His exact words to that were "I'd rather be letting a stripper rub on my penis" ... I said whatever and cut my phone off. It's still off. He makes me sick. Why the fuck would he tell me that, when he KNOWS how I fucking feel about him. Because he loves to rub shit like that in my face and make me feel horrible. God, he's an asshole. If I cut my phone back on and have messages from him asking what was up, which I doubt I will but if I do, I'm going to let him have it. I'm done playing nice. It has gotten me NOWHERE.

I hardly ever put up a fight and say how I feel. My aunt told me that high school wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't put up with the bullshit and told people off. I wish I had told everyone off in that fucking place.

God please give me strength. Keep my mind busy tonight so I don't have to think about him and picture him being there.

I did go to a tattoo shop today. I have an appointment to go back and get a tattoo August 22. I have no idea what I'm getting. I knew exactly what I wanted and where. But everyone told me not to get it. The tattoo guy said he wasn't going to do it for me. All I wanted was a little broken heart on my chest. What's the big deal about that? They all told me I needed a happy tattoo and to just forget the jerk. They said I was too young to know what a broken heart was.

First off the tattoo isn't just about a jerk who broke my heart. Sure he may have a part in it, but it's more than just him. It's my way of expressing myself. I don't know how to explain it other than that. It may sound dumb but I don't care. I like it. And I'll get it done if I want to. I'll fucking go somewhere else.

I'm so fed up with everything right now.

He's been sending me messages telling me he loves me and wants to be with me and calling me beautiful, just being sweet. And he says that he's trying to break up with her. He's trying to find the right thing to say so he won't feel guilty about it. I told him I wanted him to be with him and he said he was WORKING ON THAT!!!

Then last night we were talking about her, I was in a really pissy mood so I wasn't up for playing any games. I asked if he was talking to her and he said no. His words exactly "Trust me I'm not". Then I said "Why? You don't want to talk to her?" and he said that it wasn't that, it was just because she was sleeping. Which made me think that he did want to talk to her. I asked if he missed her. He said kinda, and that he misses everyone. I asked if he loved her, he said he didn't know.

I told him I didn't think he would end it with her. I just don't believe it. I can't believe anything he says anymore. I told him how I felt and he didn't say anything.

I told him that I wanted to be with him but if he wanted her to just tell me. He didn't say anything. I know he's going to pick her. It is really going to kill me. He was saying the sweetest stuff, being a completely different guy and making me fall for him all over again. Only just to be crushed... again!

Fuck dude! I don't want to go through this again. I don't think I can make it.

If he picks her, I'm done. I won't even want to be his friend anymore because it's too much. It hurts too much and he doesn't understand that.

He's making a HUGE mistake!!! He talks so much shit about her and leads me to believe that he would rather be with me. She is no good for him!!! Why can't he see what I see? Ughhhhhhh!!!! :(

I just want to disappear. I want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over with. You have no idea how painful this is for me. I hate him... but I don't.

Well I am officially all moved in. My parents and I packed all my stuff and came up here for the fourth to celebrate with my aunts and my uncle. Feels pretty good I guess. It's definitely going to take some getting used to. Next thing on my to do list is to find a job... asap.

We were all going out to breakfast yesterday morning and my aunt's neighbors were outside and she stopped to talk to them for a minute and introduced me. They have two little girls and wanted to know if I babysit. I said yes of course and that I love kids. They said they just celebrated 10 years and needed a date night. They also said they were happy to finally have a babysitter in the neighborhood. So hopefully I will be getting a call from them soon. I'm pretty excited about that. Not only because of money but I'll finally be getting out there and doing something. Little kids are such fun.

I said goodbye to my mom and dad yesterday. Surprisingly no one cried. I knew if my mom did, I would too. I'm definitely going to miss them but I can't stay at home forever. I didn't get to say goodbye to my sister because she didn't come with us. She had plans with friends for the fourth so she stayed home. Oh well... no biggie.

I had a pretty good fourth overall. My uncle just built a new garage and he's got a tv and ping pong table and other stuff in it. It's pretty cool. We grilled out and played ping pong. Me, my mom, and my two aunts were all playing each other. It was so much fun because none of us really knew how to play. We always have a good time when we all hang out as family. That's why I'm glad to be up here with them. They like to go out and do stuff all the time. We never do anything at home. It's the same stuff everyday and it drove me crazy!!!

Oh and I got my hair cut really short, which is new to me because I've always kept my hair long. Everyone says it looks really cute, but I can't decide if I like it or not. Sometimes I do, sometimes not. Ha! I got some blonde highlights in it too, only because they lady said my hair needed some chemicals. I definitely like the color. I'm feeling like a different person and I like it. I feel like I'm coming out of my shell and it feels SO AMAZING! I've been waiting for this to happen. I feel like I can finally breathe.

It feels good to be out of the house, away from home, and into the city. I'm still feeling a little down. I don't know why. I mean, I didn't expect that coming up here for the week would magically make everything ok. Well I guess in a way I kinda did. It is a little better, don't get me wrong, I just want to be out there doing more. But it's hard to do that when you don't know anyone nor your way around. I'm ready to fast forward to where I know these things.

I don't even know what I'm doing about school (which is really not good) but I'm already getting nervous. I mean here I am in this new place where no one really knows me. I can be anyone I want to be, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to shut off my mind, which is constantly worried about what people are thinking. I want so badly to be carefree. But that's not how I am.

Anxiety you are suchhhh a bitch. Please, please just go away. You are ruining my life. How can I make myself better and become the person I want to be if I have you to put up with? Mom says therapy but idk. Maybe that's what I need to do. I'll just go find yet another shrink.

And probably this is me just being lazy, not wanting to do anything about it. Just hoping to snap my finger and make it disappear. I have a lot to learn.

You know how there's people out there who enjoy being miserable? Like they're not happy unless they're unhappy? What if I'm like that? Sometimes I think I am. And sometimes I know I'm not. I don't want to be like that.

I got on facebook today and saw pictures of his girlfriend. I immediately felt sick. I still feel sick. She is an ugly person both inside and out and he could do better. Well maybe not because he's ugly on the inside too. Sometimes it shows, but I'm too blind to really see it.

All I do now is sleep. It's awful. I don't get in the bed til about 3 in the morning and then I sleep the whole day away. It's because there's nothing better to do around here. I need sleep to keep myself from going crazy, which isn't helping because I feel like I'm already on my way there! Ugh. I'm so irritable. I seriously need to get out of this house and go do something!

Which is why I'm going to North Carolina tomorrow. I'm finally going up there to help my aunt with her house. I've never driven up there before though and I'll be by myself. So I hope I don't get lost or I'm screwed.

I'm almost not looking forward to going up there, because even though we're supposed to be setting up my room, I know I'll just end up sitting around doing nothing like I do here. I don't know what I'm asking for out of life here. Just to make some new friends quickly so I can get out there and have a good time. That's all I want.

My mom cut my hair last night. I'm not happy with it. I think she just fucked it up even more. I know I should get a professional to cut it but I'm too lazy to even do that. I guess I'll have to do that now since it looks awful.

This is not how I pictured my summer to be. :(

Well I'm back from the beach. I had an ok time. It wasn't the best beach trip I've ever been on, but it wasn't the worst either.

I have got to figure out when I'm moving. I think my aunt is getting mad because I don't have a exact date yet. I would go up there now, but I don't know how to get there exactly and no one in the family will help me out. I still need to say goodbye to my two best girlfriends. Oh boy. I guess I'm going up there by myself this weekend to help my aunt clean her house before I can move in. Then hopefully I'll be up there by next weekend. That's my plan for right now. I'm excited about moving but I'm scared at the same time. I'm glad to be leaving this place and getting away from the bullshit around the house, but when I think about it I start to feel sad and a tiny part of me wants to stay. Then I remind myself that I can't live at home with my parents forever. I've got to go out and experience life. That's when I get excited again. I'm not going to lie I had it very easy here at home. I was babied because of my anxiety. But I've got a lot of growing up to do.

So... this whole situation with my ex, John (it's time I start using his name), I feel is getting worse. He wrote me a letter right before graduation. I wrote him back a couple days later. It's been like 3 weeks and he hasn't written back. Maybe I'm just being a little impatient. It was just so disappointing and heartbreaking when I checked the mailbox each day and saw that I had nothing from him. But then he keeps texting me out of the blue. We talk for about 10 mins at the most and then he just quits texting in the middle of the conversation. I mean I understand that he's busy but wtf? And I've caught him in several lies, but I never say anything about it.

I want so badly to just cut him out of my life completely. I told myself that after I moved I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. That it had to be the end. I was just so happy when I first heard from him after months that I forgot about everything. I thought that maybe him being away and not being able to talk to me would make him realize that he screwed up, but he hasn't changed a bit. He still doesn't care. And I can't keep doing this.

After we had broken up the first time and we were trying to be friends, he would say things and make me so mad and I would tell him off, tell him how I felt, tell him that he was hurting me and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. But then after a couple days I would always go back to him and apologize. That happened numerous times. I just felt so weak and didn't want to be without him. But I see now that this has got to end. I can't keep being nice to him only to have him treat me like shit. I don't know what to do though. I don't know if I could tell him goodbye. I'd have to write him a letter telling him that we couldn't talk anymore. I feel sad when I picture him reading it, not understanding. I mean would he even care? What if I wasn't strong enough to handle that and ran back to him? What if I just stopped talking to him altogether, not even explain myself, just not respond to his texts or letters? That would be awful. I couldn't do that. My only other option is to keep talking to him, but just not pour my whole self into it, ya know what I mean? I could keep things short and simple. That would never work. I'm not that kind of person. I just know that I cannot keep sitting here missing him, wondering when I'll hear from him again. And he's got a girlfriend for god's sake. Why is he still talking to me like we're dating? Fuck him for all of this. If he really loved me, if he really cared, if he really wanted to be with me - he'd have made it happen already. I've got to realize that no matter how strongly I feel for him, I can't make him feel the same way. And people say "I'd rather be your friend, than be nothing" ... well I'd rather be nothing, because being his friend is too fucking complicated. It hurts too damn much.

I just have no idea where to go from here. I feel bad because I know he doesn't understand. Even if I poured my heart out and explained everything, he still wouldn't understand.

Please don't think I'm out to break this guy's heart. I'm not. I want so badly for things to work out between us. But I know that they won't.

Maybe I'm just being a drama queen and overreacting. Maybe this is all just in my head. Maybe I can move, go to college, continue on with life, and keep talking to him and being his friend. Maybe.

I don't know, I don't know. I'll figure it out. I know I probably sound crazy but all of this has been on my mind the past couple of days. I had to get it out.

I'm sorry for not being a good friend and commenting like I should. It's hard for me sometimes, because I never know what to say in comments and I want so badly to say the right things. I hope to get better with this.

So I know I said I would get to comments but it was a busy day. :(

Graduation went smoothly. I was definitely nervous but I made it through. It was actually fun. And surprisingly I started to tear up when people were giving out speeches. I told myself and everyone else that I wasn't going to cry, tear up, or anything! Guess I just got caught up in all the emotion from everyone else. I'm so glad it's over with though. I still can't believe it just happened.

I'm leaving for the beach early tomorrow morning and I won't be back til next Friday, which means I won't be posting or commenting for the next week. =/ But I'm SO excited, you have no idea. I haven't been to the beach in yearssss. It's ridiculous.

Ok well it's late, I'm EXHAUSTED, and I still have to finish packing. I'll be back in a week. Take care guys. =D

I'm graduating tomorrow. I just want to get it over with honestly. I mean I'm excited, so excited but I'm not looking forward to the actual ceremony. I'm so worried that something will come up and they'll try to keep me from walking. I turned all my books in and I got a letter in the mail today saying I owe sixty dollars for one of 'em because it's "missing". Whatever. And then I'm worried that they might have jipped me missing too many days. Ughhh I hate this school and this town. I'm SO tired of constantly putting up with this dumb junk. I don't even really want to go to the beach anymore, because I'm ready to move now!!!

I didn't go to this church service last night for all the seniors and my mom was PISSSSSED! She came in my room yelling at me. I seriously thought she was going to hit me. She pretty much cussed me out too. Saying "she couldn't believe her own fucking flesh and blood..." and she's NEVER said the f word to me. I was shocked. I said it was just a church service. I didn't know it meant that much to her. But apparently it wasn't just that. She says I despise the ground she walks on and all she does is continue to love me even after all the shit she's had to put up with because of me. I laid there and cried. She really thinks I hate her. She said she didn't know what I wanted from her and she guesses she got her answer since I'm moving away from her. I couldn't believe it. I still haven't recovered from it. I feel so horrible. I'm the worst daughter ever. I'm an awful, selfish person and I just don't even want to be me anymore.

Sorry for not commenting lately... I've been super busy this week. I'll try to catch up on those in my free time tomorrow.

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." - American Beauty


I finally saw this movie last night and it was just so amazing. I fell in love with it as soon as I started watching it. I definitely want to go out and buy it now. It makes me wish that I could create something so beautiful like that.

I've wanted to be a writer since I was like 8. These past couple of years I've given up on the idea of it because I feel like I'm good enough. I feel like there's no way I can compete with all these amazing writers out there. No way at all. And it's awful to feel that way about something you love so much. I don't even write anymore at all. My motivation to push myself is gone. I think I'm just scared of pouring out everything I have and then realizing that it sucks. That's what it is. I'm scared of failing. But I promise I'm not going to let that stop me. One day I'm going to write books and I'm going to make movies and who cares if they suck. I'm going to try to get back into writing more. It'll be hard because I'll keep putting it off but I'm going to do it.

I've gotten into the habit of staying up super late at night. Since I haven't had to go to school for the past three days I haven't worried about going to bed early. I kind of enjoy being the only one up. I'm more of a night person anyway.

I got a letter in the mail today from my ex... the one who is in the army (the one I talked about in my last post). He didn't say much except for that he's been thinking about me a lot and wants to see me again. I'm not gonna lie, it feels good to know that he feels that way, but it also hurts. Because it makes me realize that I miss him and I thought I was over him... well for the most part. After I read the letter I laid in bed just thinking and I ended up falling asleep and had a dream about him. Now I can't stop thinking about him. It's always this cycle with him. Him hurting me, me trying to let go and move on, me finally feeling good and not thinking about him so much, him coming back and being all nice and sweet, and me falling all over again. I really started to hate him for a while there, and I didn't want to hear from him again but when he texted me last week, all my anger disappeared and I just wanted to talk to him. I'll probably write him back tomorrow.

=/

I'm a horrible person for not updating. :( I've just been super busy and/or unmotivated to post. Sorry guys. =/

I only have to go to school tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday of next week for exams and I'll be done with high school!!! I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am. Once I actually graduate this huge weight will be lifted off of my shoulders. I'm so ready to get that feeling, it's gonna be amazing.

When I posted sometime a month ago I was talking about how even though I was so excited about moving I was kind of going to miss everyone. That was a lie. Well ok maybe not then, but my feelings have definitely changed. I am so tired of being here and being around these people, I'm starting to just hate everyone. It's ridiculous. Everyone at school makes me so sick. If I miss anyone it'll only be a handful of people. I tried so hard to fit in and be nice to these people but they all just hurt me. Every single one of them. And I could not be happier to get the fuck away from them.

( I just don't know how to keep things short )

No school tomorrow again. I guess I'm mad but there's nothing I can do about it. Oh well. A group of my girlfriends are going to the lake. They're all bringing their boyfriends so... that might be a little weird. Fuck being single :(

Three of us went out to the lake Friday when we didn't have school and it was fun. Good day. I was with two of my best girlfriends. It feels weird saying that because I've never really had any girlfriends. I mean I did when I was younger, but then they grew up and became too cool for me. Whatever. I forgot what it's like to have a real best friend. I'm still a bit skeptical about saying certain things or doing certain things around them, because I feel like if I do something wrong, it'll fuck everything up. And that's awful isn't it? To have to be careful of yourself around friends? It's not them though. It's me just being weird.

Has anyone read the House of Leaves? If so, did you like it? How did it affect you? I heard about it in a community and I've been reading about it and it sounds really good... scary, but good. I might go buy it tomorrow. I'm kinda scared to read it though because I've heard that it will give you nightmares and freak you out. But I've also heard that it'll help you better understand yourself. I don't know.

Ok I don't know what else to say. My computer is acting up and I'm so sick of messing with it.

Goodnight :)

School is canceled for tomorrow because of the swine flu. Gah damn I'm SO pissed! This will only push graduation back and then I won't be able to go on the beach trip which I am paying fucking $300 for. Ugh! I cannot tell you how mad I am!

I don't care what happens. I am going on that damn beach trip. This is absolutely fucking ridiculous. I don't know anything about the swine flu cause I'm hearing all different kinds of shit, but I think it's being blown way outta proportion. Whatever I could be wrong. But I'm so damn tired of this. Go figure some shit like this would happen right as I'm supposed to be getting away from this crap life. Fuck you swine flu, just fuck you!


On a different note, my meds finally came in Monday. The shocks are gone, but I feel like my depression has gotten a hold of me again. That shit comes back quick without medication.

I just want to sleeeeeeeep.

My mom orders my medicine through the mail. Idk why but she does. Well I ran out of my anti-depressants Friday and I haven't gotten anymore in the mail yet. So I've been without my meds for like 3 days now, which obviously is not good. I've got these electrical shocks running all through my body. I don't really know how to describe it other than that. It just feels like I've been struck by lightening so it definitely does not feel good. And I have to deal with this at school tomorrow and it'll probably be 10 times worse. I hope my meds get here tomorrow. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this feeling.

So I have three cats. I don't want to say that I have a favorite but I definitely do. Well my favorite cat had to go to the vet this morning because he is having some problems. Turns out he has leukemia. That's all the information I was given by my parents. I don't know if he can fight it or not, but I'm pretty heartbroken. I do not want to lose that cat.

( some things just don't change )

Wow...

It's been over a year.

I've missed this place.

Is anyone still there?



I think I want to delete all my old entries and start over. Maybe even make a new account. I don't know. But I'm back. And I'm a different person. And I need this more than I thought I did.

I've been wanting to post here for a while now, but I just didn't know how to come back from such a long break. But here I am, trying to get my life back in order.


And friends, if you're still there, I'm deeply sorry.

I got this in an e-mail from my aunt and I felt like sharing.


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