Well I'm back from the beach. I had an ok time. It wasn't the best beach trip I've ever been on, but it wasn't the worst either.
I have got to figure out when I'm moving. I think my aunt is getting mad because I don't have a exact date yet. I would go up there now, but I don't know how to get there exactly and no one in the family will help me out. I still need to say goodbye to my two best girlfriends. Oh boy. I guess I'm going up there by myself this weekend to help my aunt clean her house before I can move in. Then hopefully I'll be up there by next weekend. That's my plan for right now. I'm excited about moving but I'm scared at the same time. I'm glad to be leaving this place and getting away from the bullshit around the house, but when I think about it I start to feel sad and a tiny part of me wants to stay. Then I remind myself that I can't live at home with my parents forever. I've got to go out and experience life. That's when I get excited again. I'm not going to lie I had it very easy here at home. I was babied because of my anxiety. But I've got a lot of growing up to do.
So... this whole situation with my ex, John (it's time I start using his name), I feel is getting worse. He wrote me a letter right before graduation. I wrote him back a couple days later. It's been like 3 weeks and he hasn't written back. Maybe I'm just being a little impatient. It was just so disappointing and heartbreaking when I checked the mailbox each day and saw that I had nothing from him. But then he keeps texting me out of the blue. We talk for about 10 mins at the most and then he just quits texting in the middle of the conversation. I mean I understand that he's busy but wtf? And I've caught him in several lies, but I never say anything about it.
I want so badly to just cut him out of my life completely. I told myself that after I moved I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. That it had to be the end. I was just so happy when I first heard from him after months that I forgot about everything. I thought that maybe him being away and not being able to talk to me would make him realize that he screwed up, but he hasn't changed a bit. He still doesn't care. And I can't keep doing this.
After we had broken up the first time and we were trying to be friends, he would say things and make me so mad and I would tell him off, tell him how I felt, tell him that he was hurting me and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. But then after a couple days I would always go back to him and apologize. That happened numerous times. I just felt so weak and didn't want to be without him. But I see now that this has got to end. I can't keep being nice to him only to have him treat me like shit. I don't know what to do though. I don't know if I could tell him goodbye. I'd have to write him a letter telling him that we couldn't talk anymore. I feel sad when I picture him reading it, not understanding. I mean would he even care? What if I wasn't strong enough to handle that and ran back to him? What if I just stopped talking to him altogether, not even explain myself, just not respond to his texts or letters? That would be awful. I couldn't do that. My only other option is to keep talking to him, but just not pour my whole self into it, ya know what I mean? I could keep things short and simple. That would never work. I'm not that kind of person. I just know that I cannot keep sitting here missing him, wondering when I'll hear from him again. And he's got a girlfriend for god's sake. Why is he still talking to me like we're dating? Fuck him for all of this. If he really loved me, if he really cared, if he really wanted to be with me - he'd have made it happen already. I've got to realize that no matter how strongly I feel for him, I can't make him feel the same way. And people say "I'd rather be your friend, than be nothing" ... well I'd rather be nothing, because being his friend is too fucking complicated. It hurts too damn much.
I just have no idea where to go from here. I feel bad because I know he doesn't understand. Even if I poured my heart out and explained everything, he still wouldn't understand.
Please don't think I'm out to break this guy's heart. I'm not. I want so badly for things to work out between us. But I know that they won't.
Maybe I'm just being a drama queen and overreacting. Maybe this is all just in my head. Maybe I can move, go to college, continue on with life, and keep talking to him and being his friend. Maybe.
I don't know, I don't know. I'll figure it out. I know I probably sound crazy but all of this has been on my mind the past couple of days. I had to get it out.
I'm sorry for not being a good friend and commenting like I should. It's hard for me sometimes, because I never know what to say in comments and I want so badly to say the right things. I hope to get better with this.